Purpose

意

I spent this week in a group of people who have all worn the same pair of shoes.

It's an ugly pair, one that doesn't fit anyone. But a pair that's forced onto many feet just the same. 

I spent this week having a purpose. 

I felt like I had an idea why I made it through those six years.

But when a seven-year-old, playing in your lap, looks into your eyes and asks if life gets better, 

My small sense of competency vanishes.

What am I supposed to say?

I don't know?

Maybe?

Sometimes?

Every once in a while?

Because let's face it. I was ready to give up last week. It's happened a lot before, and in all probability it's going to happen again. I went through the motions of breathing, eating, and sleeping not because I wanted to do so, but because I think there's a purpose for my existence. I think there's a reason this all happened. I want there to be. I want that desperately.  

I want there to be a meaning, because without meaning, life is just pain. 

There must be someone out there that I can touch. Or change. Or something. 

But what do I say to the little girl awaiting my reply?

Sunshine, I don't know what to tell you. 

It might get easier, but it doesn't go away. 

You are not the product of what happened, but you will be affected by it.

You will face temptations that threaten to overpower you. 

And I don't know if it'll get better. 

The shoes might only fit worse and worse. 

It's a small consolation, but there's a reason for it. 

And I can't even tell you what that is.

All I can do is try to protect you.

Then I realize I can't even really do that. 

Again, I'm overwhelmed with a sense of failure.

What is my purpose?

I don't know. Moreover, I don't know if I can achieve it.

All I know is that there is a precious child on my lap. 

And there is something within me still moving. 

And I'm not quite ready to give those up. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes people have to hold me up. 

Am I supposed to support others when I can't even stand?

But why else am I here?

All I know is that I can hold someone in my lap. I can let them cry. I can hand them tissues. And I can tell them I know it hurts. And that I know they are stronger.

Jeremiah 29:11: "'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord, 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future full of hope.'"

Lord, what am I supposed to do?

Please give me the will and the ability to make it through today and to find and fulfill my purpose.

Telling

诉说

It hasn't gotten any easier.

It was just as hard when I told Kayla as it is now.

People say it gets better with practice.

I guess I haven't had much of that.

Kayla.

Harper. 

And now Amelia.

Alex, Emmett, Bridget...I didn't tell them. 

They found out. In one way or another. And two of them still don't even know the whole truth. 

And there are more who I will need to tell everything to someday.

But how do you say something like that?

How do you give away that much control

And trust that much?

Look what he's done to you

It isn't fair

Your light was bright and new

But he didn't care

He took the heart of a little girl 

And made it grow up too fast

I gritted my teeth and told Amelia. 

I didn't know what to say.

So I just told her, plain and simple. 

Home is not a good place.

And then I told her why.

But I didn't tell her the story I save for people I trust.

I told her the version I tell only those whom I'd trust with my life.

Now words like innocence

Don't mean a thing

You hear the music play

But you can't sing

Those pictures in your mind

Keep you locked up inside your past

Afterwards, my whole body was shaking. My voice was gone. My old brain knew that I'd said too much and that this would not end well. My new brain was just waiting for the old one to stop panicking. 

I had told her everything. 

Details. 

Horror stories. 

The whole truth.


This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world

Harper is right. 

The right ones will stick around.

Even if you never wanted them to stick in the first place. 

They see the truth.

No matter what happened to you, no matter what you lost 

You didn't deserve it. 

At.

All. 

And you deserve so, so much better than what you've been through.

You deserve to be loved.  

Those damaged goods you see 

In your reflection

Love sees them differently

Love sees perfection

A beautiful display

Of healing on the way tonight

Tonight

I hate letting people love me because those who were supposed to protect me didn't. 

But those who I pushed away repeatedly are the friends who have kept me going.

Kept me fighting.

Please fight. 

You're worth it. 

No matter what anyone tells you.

There are a lot of things that are hard for me to say

But I can easily and with absolute certainty tell you that.

You're worth it. 

So tell someone what happened.

Even if you tell them the abridged version.

If you need someone, tell me. 

Just practice saying it. 

And I will practice too.

Come on. 

You can do it.

This is a song for the broken girl

The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world

You are

Here me when I say

You're not the worthless they made you feel

There is a love they can never steal away

You don't have to stay the broken girl.

-"Broken Girl" by Matthew West

Alone

孤

No one makes it through this alone.

As much as I wish I could.

At some point, you have to rely on other people because...guess what.

You're simply not good enough to make it yourself.

And that's the cold, hard truth. 

Face it.

You fail.

So you have to trust.

Out of necessity more than anything, you let someone in. You allow someone to love you.

Stephen Chbosky wrote in his novel The Perks of Being a Wallflower, 

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

Deserve. 

How can I possibly deserve love enough to accept it?

I only believe that I can when someone convinces me so. 

Victor has always convinced me. Always. He is my lifeline and first support. 

Kayla convinced me years ago. She is the force that drove me to be stronger. She is my link to what reality should be and the sister who supports me in every decision.

Bridget convinced me a few years ago. She is the one who can relate to the most of what I say. She is the one that can smile anyway and fight as she does.

Harper convinced me last spring. She is the one who can always make a joke and look at the positivity of a situation. She inspires me to trust. And that's a very, very impressive feat. 

Alex had the hardest time convincing me. But now he is the one who is always there, first to pick up his phone and quickest to make a plan.

Victor, Kayla, Bridget, Harper, and Alex show me that I deserve love. 

And there is Emmett. 

Emmett is a trustworthy person, but I have trouble trusting him. Emmett loves to have fun. He loves to laugh. And he loves to tease. Even though I know his comments are made in fun, sometimes I don't deal with them well. When you believe that everyone is going to hurt you, when you live in a state of constant vigilance and watch for the next source of pain, trusting someone who sometimes causes pain without knowing it and simply in having fun seems utterly impossible. 

But I'm teaching myself to trust. It's a skill one has to learn. And in my case, it's one I need to relearn. 

Emmett hates when I apologize, so I'll leave it at this for him and for anyone who has been untrusted.

It's not your fault. But I want you to know why I'm so afraid to let you in. Why whenever I break down and tell you more of the truth, I can't stop regretting it. Why I don't trust you.

It's because I don't deserve your love.

This, telling you, is a step in the right direction, isn't it?

Keep being you. Face it; you're pretty awesome. 

Just please forgive me for being me. 

Please let me apologize.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you were dragged into this.

I'm sorry I can't make it through this alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm trying to trust.

I really am. 

Psalm 56:3-4: "When I am afraid, I put my trust in You. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust and am not afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?"

     Lord, You've given me beacons in my life pointing me ever toward the hope You have for me. It is You I trust without reservation or fear of pain. As we navigate these stormy seas, please help me not to fear Your lighthouses.

Swinging

悬

I was swinging one day. 

Up, flying, soaring, rushing, reaching.

Down, falling, plummeting, whistling, hurling.

Up, toes pointed, leaning back.

Down, curled tightly, no trust to lean, anticipating.

Up, breathing in. 

Down, not breathing at all. 

I have changed directions. 

Once again, I am flying.

But for the last month, I was falling. 

Yet how far can flying take you when you know the rope will jerk your neck back to the ground at any moment?

When freedom is limited, how is it freedom?

Here I am, safe again.

There are words now where there were not before. 

Yet here I am.

Still swinging.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am back to safety. I should be happy. Yet all I can think is that I will never truly escape. I am stuck in suspension on this playground of someone else's twisted mind. Suspension. Swinging. 

2nd Corinthians 3:17: "...where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."

     Lord, I give You this situation once again. 

     I give You its future. 

     I give You all hope I have of escape. 

     Let me jump off the swing into Your arms. 

Sleep

觉

Sleep means safety. 

Safety from being woken.

If you are awakened, you do not sleep. You nap fitfully or you rest your head, but you have not been allowed to sleep.

Eleven years ago, I was woken for the first time. 

It became a game. 

Every morning. 

Sometimes in the middle of the night. 

More recently, before I even had a chance to rest my weary body. 

They gave me my own room, but I wasn't secure there.

They gave me my own lock, but it was easily picked. 

They gave me my own floor, but the distance was not enough. 

I gave myself my own home, but I was too weak to stay there. 

Life gave me a chance to go away, but I had to come back. 

Then someone gave me three blocks of wood. 

Perfectly cut. 

A brace that I cannot even force my way through. 

Tonight, my door will stay shut. 

Tonight, I am safe. 

Tonight, in the home of my family, for the first time in eleven years,

I sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     Tonight, I am safe. 

     Safe.

     Psalm 4:8: "In peace I will lie down and sleep, for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."

     Lord, I don't deserve this. 

     But You really love me this much?

     You send this to me?

     I have seen You bring one child in need to another who chooses to help, but I am still amazed. 

     I am safe tonight. 

     To simply say thank you would never be enough.

Anxiety

悬念

Anticipation. 

The moments before something life-changing. 

Suspense.

The moments before facing fear. 

Anxiety. 

The moments of waiting.

And nothing happening. 

The shoe must drop eventually. 

But until it does, here I am in Wonderland, surrounded by insanity, unsure how much of it is mine and how much of it belongs to rabbits and hatters. 

And the Jabberwocky. How much of it is of the Jabberwocky?

All. For in the looking glass lies the picture of the beast. And when it mixes with our image of ourselves, fear becomes life-changing. Suspense meets anticipation.

Anxiety. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     I am waiting. I want the shoe to drop. I want to know what is going to happen if I cannot control it. Yet knowledge and control are stripped from me, and all that is left to me is fear. 

     Psalm 56:3: "When I am afraid, I will put my trust in Thee."

     I don't know. And I don't control. You do. 

     You love me.

     You will protect me. 

     I trust You. 

     As I wait for the shoe to drop, I trust You. 

Stronger

强

Strength is not just a physical quality.

It is a holistic idea. 

Strength means mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and socially perceiving pain and choosing it. 

Strength means looking at hell and walking straight into it. 

Strength means control not of the situation but of oneself.

Strength means loving someone or something so deeply that no imaginable torture could keep you back from your goal. 

Strength is dangerous. 

Yet it is a protection like none other. 

It will be your best friend and your worst enemy. 

It will turn you against yourself and protect you from yourself. 

But most importantly, it will protect you from others.

So no matter what they do, you will be okay. 

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

If you want it to. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     Tomorrow, I go back to my worst nightmare. I go back to pain, my personal hell, complete loss of control, love that hurts. Tomorrow, I choose danger. But tomorrow, I choose to be stronger.

     Deuteronomy 31:6: "Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

     I will be stronger. Allow me to walk with You on the way to Calvary. I choose to stay with You; I choose to experience this pain with You. I know You will help me. We will be stronger.