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No one makes it through this alone.
As much as I wish I could.
At some point, you have to rely on other people because...guess what.
You're simply not good enough to make it yourself.
And that's the cold, hard truth.
Face it.
You fail.
So you have to trust.
Out of necessity more than anything, you let someone in. You allow someone to love you.
Stephen Chbosky wrote in his novel The Perks of Being a Wallflower,
"We accept the love we think we deserve."
Deserve.
How can I possibly deserve love enough to accept it?
I only believe that I can when someone convinces me so.
Victor has always convinced me. Always. He is my lifeline and first support.
Kayla convinced me years ago. She is the force that drove me to be stronger. She is my link to what reality should be and the sister who supports me in every decision.
Bridget convinced me a few years ago. She is the one who can relate to the most of what I say. She is the one that can smile anyway and fight as she does.
Bridget convinced me a few years ago. She is the one who can relate to the most of what I say. She is the one that can smile anyway and fight as she does.
Harper convinced me last spring. She is the one who can always make a joke and look at the positivity of a situation. She inspires me to trust. And that's a very, very impressive feat.
Alex had the hardest time convincing me. But now he is the one who is always there, first to pick up his phone and quickest to make a plan.
Victor, Kayla, Bridget, Harper, and Alex show me that I deserve love.
And there is Emmett.
Emmett is a trustworthy person, but I have trouble trusting him. Emmett loves to have fun. He loves to laugh. And he loves to tease. Even though I know his comments are made in fun, sometimes I don't deal with them well. When you believe that everyone is going to hurt you, when you live in a state of constant vigilance and watch for the next source of pain, trusting someone who sometimes causes pain without knowing it and simply in having fun seems utterly impossible.
But I'm teaching myself to trust. It's a skill one has to learn. And in my case, it's one I need to relearn.
Emmett hates when I apologize, so I'll leave it at this for him and for anyone who has been untrusted.
It's not your fault. But I want you to know why I'm so afraid to let you in. Why whenever I break down and tell you more of the truth, I can't stop regretting it. Why I don't trust you.
It's because I don't deserve your love.
This, telling you, is a step in the right direction, isn't it?
Keep being you. Face it; you're pretty awesome.
Just please forgive me for being me.
Please let me apologize.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry you were dragged into this.
I'm sorry I can't make it through this alone.
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I'm trying to trust.
I really am.
Psalm 56:3-4: "When I am afraid, I put my trust in You. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust and am not afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?"
Lord, You've given me beacons in my life pointing me ever toward the hope You have for me. It is You I trust without reservation or fear of pain. As we navigate these stormy seas, please help me not to fear Your lighthouses.
