Knowing

知道的

Knowing changes things.

Even when someone has known me for years, when they actually learn about what happened, things change.

That's okay. 

I'm still me. 

I haven't changed at all.

Only their understanding has changed. 

Responses like

"I love you so much"

"You are so strong"

"This does not change the fact that I am your friend" 

"I'm so sorry"

"You didn't deserve this" 

all spring from the simple fact that the response 

"This doesn't change how I view you" 

is a lie. 

And that's okay. 

If what I've just told you doesn't change how you view me, 

you are the most heartless person in the world. 

I know knowing changes you. 

I've been on both sides of that coin. 

But change doesn't determine the outcome. 

What you do with change does. 

I've given you a part of me.

Your move.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

No matter how many times I tell someone, I still wonder what they're thinking.

They're my friends. I should know what they're thinking. 

But maybe ignorance is bliss. 
And again, maybe it's not.

"Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another." -Proverbs 27:17

Lord, You've given me treasures in the form of friends. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.

Turn

翻

Today, he kissed me. And I kissed him back

Because I wanted to.

He asked if I was okay. And I said yes.

He held me closer. And I held him back.

All because I choose to.

I want to.

Welcome to the happy place where trust and freedom meet.

I'm kissing fear goodbye.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was not sure if I would ever want to be close to someone again. Yet here I am, taking my life back.

"Fear of man is a snare, but he who trusts in the Lord is safe." -Proverbs 29:25

Lord, I trust You. I am trusting him. Thank You for Your strength. I know I'm not doing this on my own. 

Fade

掉色

Tonight, as I was preparing for bed, I washed my face just as I've done every night for as long as I can remember. I wipe off the sweat and dirt of the day. I wipe off all of the makeup that covers my skin. 

Today was different.

As I wiped gently at my fake face, I looked into the mirror and saw something astonishing. 

My real face underneath it was clearing. 

The facial scars I have hated for so long were finally fading into my normal skin tone rather than the angry purple they had sported before. They are slowly becoming a part of me that I no longer have to hide. 

Scars fade.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Memories don't go away. But nightmares, overreactions, fear, and scars do. 

Isaiah 43:18-19: "Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."

You've got the next new thing. 

This one is going away. 

I'll never forget it, but the evidence is wiped away. 

Help me to rediscover Your beauty within me. 

Everyone

诸

Everyone is going to hurt me. 

No one will protect me. 

Because I don't deserve protection. 

Overarching statements. 

Generalizations. 

Yet I react as if they are cold, hard truth.

I'm sitting awake tonight. Again. For the tenth or eleventh time in two weeks. For perhaps the thirtieth time in six weeks. I can't relax, I can't sleep, and I can't see the world as a safe place.

My door here doesn't lock.

But the doors of my mind won't open.

Everyone is going to hurt me.

Please.

Prove me wrong.

Weather

天气

There are people in the world who complain about the weather.

Then there are people who talk about their dads not paying child support

Or their families kicking them out

Or forcing them to come back in.

About dreams being cut short

About having no dreams at all.

The only way you can stay positive sometimes

Is by ignoring the weather. 

It won't drive you.

If you focus on the little things, you will crumble at the big things.

You will not be able to persevere. 

Today, when Thomas set the weights at twenty pounds, 

I lifted and thought about weather. 

When he added another thirty pounds, 

Thinking about weather didn't cut it. 

I faced my fears. And I lifted. Over. And over. And over.

He watched me for what seemed like eternity, waiting for me to fatigue or give up. 

I continued, sweating from every pore in my body, muscles screaming, waiting for him to release me. 

Instead, he set the weights at ninety pounds. 

"No matter how determined your mind is, your body has limits. Prove me wrong." 

I tried. And I couldn't. 

I lifted for a little princess who is still stuck with a dragon while I revel in safety. I lifted for the things I'll miss if this all goes up in flame. I lifted for every moment of pain I can remember. I lifted for every tear I've cried.

And I still couldn't lift the ninety pounds. 

Screw pain. 

Screw weather. 

Tomorrow.

Ninety pounds. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I will fight. And I will press on, regardless of the weather. 

Romans 5:3-5: "We also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope." 

Lord, lift with me, please? Even though You're already lifting me?

Help me forget the weather and stay protected in Your arms from all the elements. 

Responsible

有責任 

Responsibility is a big word for a bigger task. 

Responsibility means taking something onto your shoulders and promising not to let it fall. 

Responsibility means you are liable. People trust you. Others are at stake, but you may be at fault. 

I've felt so much more responsibility pile onto my shoulders in the last two days. 

So it comes to an understanding of responsibility. 

Is it a parent's responsibility to care for a child?

Is it a friend's responsibility to care for a friend?

Is it a survivor's responsibility to care for a potential victim? 

Someone tell me. 

Please. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have no idea what role I play in this scene of the drama. I'm not sure if I'm even supposed to be on stage. 

I really wish I had the script. 

Galatians 6:2: "Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."

Lord, when should I carry and when should I let others carry?

Needs

需求

“Your needs matter.”

I fulfilled my promise to you. I’ve thought about that statement. A lot. And I’ve written out everything I’ve thought. Sometimes it looks better in black and white.

The first key is your definition of need.

Is a need a deficiency of something necessary to survival?

Or is a need something necessary to make life smooth?

If a need is a deficiency of something necessary to survival, I have no needs because I am alive.

If a need is something necessary to make life smooth, then I would have needs.

The second key is how you determine whether something matters.

If I have no needs, they don’t matter.

If I have needs, they are not fulfilled. If they are not fulfilled, Agent X is not fulfilling them, where Agent X is anyone in a position to fulfill needs. 

So if I have needs, Agent X is not fulfilling them. If Agent X is not fulfilling these needs, it is because those needs don’t matter to Agent X. It cannot be because of Agent X’s lack of capability to fulfill needs because by definition, Agent X is in a position to fulfill needs. So if I have needs, they don’t matter to Agent X.

Therefore, if I have needs, they don’t matter.

But you can throw my proof aside if you want.

This truth doesn’t look better in black and white.

Do you see why I would rather say my needs don’t matter?

It is either that or saying that Agent X

Just doesn’t care.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You care. 

I know You do. 

And that's enough. 

Luke 4:6-7: “I tell you, my friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after that can do no more... Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."

Lord, what should I do when my wants/needs conflict with the needs of others? 

Purpose

意

I spent this week in a group of people who have all worn the same pair of shoes.

It's an ugly pair, one that doesn't fit anyone. But a pair that's forced onto many feet just the same. 

I spent this week having a purpose. 

I felt like I had an idea why I made it through those six years.

But when a seven-year-old, playing in your lap, looks into your eyes and asks if life gets better, 

My small sense of competency vanishes.

What am I supposed to say?

I don't know?

Maybe?

Sometimes?

Every once in a while?

Because let's face it. I was ready to give up last week. It's happened a lot before, and in all probability it's going to happen again. I went through the motions of breathing, eating, and sleeping not because I wanted to do so, but because I think there's a purpose for my existence. I think there's a reason this all happened. I want there to be. I want that desperately.  

I want there to be a meaning, because without meaning, life is just pain. 

There must be someone out there that I can touch. Or change. Or something. 

But what do I say to the little girl awaiting my reply?

Sunshine, I don't know what to tell you. 

It might get easier, but it doesn't go away. 

You are not the product of what happened, but you will be affected by it.

You will face temptations that threaten to overpower you. 

And I don't know if it'll get better. 

The shoes might only fit worse and worse. 

It's a small consolation, but there's a reason for it. 

And I can't even tell you what that is.

All I can do is try to protect you.

Then I realize I can't even really do that. 

Again, I'm overwhelmed with a sense of failure.

What is my purpose?

I don't know. Moreover, I don't know if I can achieve it.

All I know is that there is a precious child on my lap. 

And there is something within me still moving. 

And I'm not quite ready to give those up. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes people have to hold me up. 

Am I supposed to support others when I can't even stand?

But why else am I here?

All I know is that I can hold someone in my lap. I can let them cry. I can hand them tissues. And I can tell them I know it hurts. And that I know they are stronger.

Jeremiah 29:11: "'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord, 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future full of hope.'"

Lord, what am I supposed to do?

Please give me the will and the ability to make it through today and to find and fulfill my purpose.

Telling

诉说

It hasn't gotten any easier.

It was just as hard when I told Kayla as it is now.

People say it gets better with practice.

I guess I haven't had much of that.

Kayla.

Harper. 

And now Amelia.

Alex, Emmett, Bridget...I didn't tell them. 

They found out. In one way or another. And two of them still don't even know the whole truth. 

And there are more who I will need to tell everything to someday.

But how do you say something like that?

How do you give away that much control

And trust that much?

Look what he's done to you

It isn't fair

Your light was bright and new

But he didn't care

He took the heart of a little girl 

And made it grow up too fast

I gritted my teeth and told Amelia. 

I didn't know what to say.

So I just told her, plain and simple. 

Home is not a good place.

And then I told her why.

But I didn't tell her the story I save for people I trust.

I told her the version I tell only those whom I'd trust with my life.

Now words like innocence

Don't mean a thing

You hear the music play

But you can't sing

Those pictures in your mind

Keep you locked up inside your past

Afterwards, my whole body was shaking. My voice was gone. My old brain knew that I'd said too much and that this would not end well. My new brain was just waiting for the old one to stop panicking. 

I had told her everything. 

Details. 

Horror stories. 

The whole truth.


This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world

Harper is right. 

The right ones will stick around.

Even if you never wanted them to stick in the first place. 

They see the truth.

No matter what happened to you, no matter what you lost 

You didn't deserve it. 

At.

All. 

And you deserve so, so much better than what you've been through.

You deserve to be loved.  

Those damaged goods you see 

In your reflection

Love sees them differently

Love sees perfection

A beautiful display

Of healing on the way tonight

Tonight

I hate letting people love me because those who were supposed to protect me didn't. 

But those who I pushed away repeatedly are the friends who have kept me going.

Kept me fighting.

Please fight. 

You're worth it. 

No matter what anyone tells you.

There are a lot of things that are hard for me to say

But I can easily and with absolute certainty tell you that.

You're worth it. 

So tell someone what happened.

Even if you tell them the abridged version.

If you need someone, tell me. 

Just practice saying it. 

And I will practice too.

Come on. 

You can do it.

This is a song for the broken girl

The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world

You are

Here me when I say

You're not the worthless they made you feel

There is a love they can never steal away

You don't have to stay the broken girl.

-"Broken Girl" by Matthew West

Alone

孤

No one makes it through this alone.

As much as I wish I could.

At some point, you have to rely on other people because...guess what.

You're simply not good enough to make it yourself.

And that's the cold, hard truth. 

Face it.

You fail.

So you have to trust.

Out of necessity more than anything, you let someone in. You allow someone to love you.

Stephen Chbosky wrote in his novel The Perks of Being a Wallflower, 

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

Deserve. 

How can I possibly deserve love enough to accept it?

I only believe that I can when someone convinces me so. 

Victor has always convinced me. Always. He is my lifeline and first support. 

Kayla convinced me years ago. She is the force that drove me to be stronger. She is my link to what reality should be and the sister who supports me in every decision.

Bridget convinced me a few years ago. She is the one who can relate to the most of what I say. She is the one that can smile anyway and fight as she does.

Harper convinced me last spring. She is the one who can always make a joke and look at the positivity of a situation. She inspires me to trust. And that's a very, very impressive feat. 

Alex had the hardest time convincing me. But now he is the one who is always there, first to pick up his phone and quickest to make a plan.

Victor, Kayla, Bridget, Harper, and Alex show me that I deserve love. 

And there is Emmett. 

Emmett is a trustworthy person, but I have trouble trusting him. Emmett loves to have fun. He loves to laugh. And he loves to tease. Even though I know his comments are made in fun, sometimes I don't deal with them well. When you believe that everyone is going to hurt you, when you live in a state of constant vigilance and watch for the next source of pain, trusting someone who sometimes causes pain without knowing it and simply in having fun seems utterly impossible. 

But I'm teaching myself to trust. It's a skill one has to learn. And in my case, it's one I need to relearn. 

Emmett hates when I apologize, so I'll leave it at this for him and for anyone who has been untrusted.

It's not your fault. But I want you to know why I'm so afraid to let you in. Why whenever I break down and tell you more of the truth, I can't stop regretting it. Why I don't trust you.

It's because I don't deserve your love.

This, telling you, is a step in the right direction, isn't it?

Keep being you. Face it; you're pretty awesome. 

Just please forgive me for being me. 

Please let me apologize.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you were dragged into this.

I'm sorry I can't make it through this alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm trying to trust.

I really am. 

Psalm 56:3-4: "When I am afraid, I put my trust in You. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust and am not afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?"

     Lord, You've given me beacons in my life pointing me ever toward the hope You have for me. It is You I trust without reservation or fear of pain. As we navigate these stormy seas, please help me not to fear Your lighthouses.

Swinging

悬

I was swinging one day. 

Up, flying, soaring, rushing, reaching.

Down, falling, plummeting, whistling, hurling.

Up, toes pointed, leaning back.

Down, curled tightly, no trust to lean, anticipating.

Up, breathing in. 

Down, not breathing at all. 

I have changed directions. 

Once again, I am flying.

But for the last month, I was falling. 

Yet how far can flying take you when you know the rope will jerk your neck back to the ground at any moment?

When freedom is limited, how is it freedom?

Here I am, safe again.

There are words now where there were not before. 

Yet here I am.

Still swinging.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am back to safety. I should be happy. Yet all I can think is that I will never truly escape. I am stuck in suspension on this playground of someone else's twisted mind. Suspension. Swinging. 

2nd Corinthians 3:17: "...where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."

     Lord, I give You this situation once again. 

     I give You its future. 

     I give You all hope I have of escape. 

     Let me jump off the swing into Your arms.