Knowing

知道的

Knowing changes things.

Even when someone has known me for years, when they actually learn about what happened, things change.

That's okay. 

I'm still me. 

I haven't changed at all.

Only their understanding has changed. 

Responses like

"I love you so much"

"You are so strong"

"This does not change the fact that I am your friend" 

"I'm so sorry"

"You didn't deserve this" 

all spring from the simple fact that the response 

"This doesn't change how I view you" 

is a lie. 

And that's okay. 

If what I've just told you doesn't change how you view me, 

you are the most heartless person in the world. 

I know knowing changes you. 

I've been on both sides of that coin. 

But change doesn't determine the outcome. 

What you do with change does. 

I've given you a part of me.

Your move.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

No matter how many times I tell someone, I still wonder what they're thinking.

They're my friends. I should know what they're thinking. 

But maybe ignorance is bliss. 
And again, maybe it's not.

"Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another." -Proverbs 27:17

Lord, You've given me treasures in the form of friends. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.

Turn

翻

Today, he kissed me. And I kissed him back

Because I wanted to.

He asked if I was okay. And I said yes.

He held me closer. And I held him back.

All because I choose to.

I want to.

Welcome to the happy place where trust and freedom meet.

I'm kissing fear goodbye.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was not sure if I would ever want to be close to someone again. Yet here I am, taking my life back.

"Fear of man is a snare, but he who trusts in the Lord is safe." -Proverbs 29:25

Lord, I trust You. I am trusting him. Thank You for Your strength. I know I'm not doing this on my own. 

Fade

掉色

Tonight, as I was preparing for bed, I washed my face just as I've done every night for as long as I can remember. I wipe off the sweat and dirt of the day. I wipe off all of the makeup that covers my skin. 

Today was different.

As I wiped gently at my fake face, I looked into the mirror and saw something astonishing. 

My real face underneath it was clearing. 

The facial scars I have hated for so long were finally fading into my normal skin tone rather than the angry purple they had sported before. They are slowly becoming a part of me that I no longer have to hide. 

Scars fade.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Memories don't go away. But nightmares, overreactions, fear, and scars do. 

Isaiah 43:18-19: "Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."

You've got the next new thing. 

This one is going away. 

I'll never forget it, but the evidence is wiped away. 

Help me to rediscover Your beauty within me. 

Everyone

诸

Everyone is going to hurt me. 

No one will protect me. 

Because I don't deserve protection. 

Overarching statements. 

Generalizations. 

Yet I react as if they are cold, hard truth.

I'm sitting awake tonight. Again. For the tenth or eleventh time in two weeks. For perhaps the thirtieth time in six weeks. I can't relax, I can't sleep, and I can't see the world as a safe place.

My door here doesn't lock.

But the doors of my mind won't open.

Everyone is going to hurt me.

Please.

Prove me wrong.

Weather

天气

There are people in the world who complain about the weather.

Then there are people who talk about their dads not paying child support

Or their families kicking them out

Or forcing them to come back in.

About dreams being cut short

About having no dreams at all.

The only way you can stay positive sometimes

Is by ignoring the weather. 

It won't drive you.

If you focus on the little things, you will crumble at the big things.

You will not be able to persevere. 

Today, when Thomas set the weights at twenty pounds, 

I lifted and thought about weather. 

When he added another thirty pounds, 

Thinking about weather didn't cut it. 

I faced my fears. And I lifted. Over. And over. And over.

He watched me for what seemed like eternity, waiting for me to fatigue or give up. 

I continued, sweating from every pore in my body, muscles screaming, waiting for him to release me. 

Instead, he set the weights at ninety pounds. 

"No matter how determined your mind is, your body has limits. Prove me wrong." 

I tried. And I couldn't. 

I lifted for a little princess who is still stuck with a dragon while I revel in safety. I lifted for the things I'll miss if this all goes up in flame. I lifted for every moment of pain I can remember. I lifted for every tear I've cried.

And I still couldn't lift the ninety pounds. 

Screw pain. 

Screw weather. 

Tomorrow.

Ninety pounds. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I will fight. And I will press on, regardless of the weather. 

Romans 5:3-5: "We also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope." 

Lord, lift with me, please? Even though You're already lifting me?

Help me forget the weather and stay protected in Your arms from all the elements. 

Responsible

有責任 

Responsibility is a big word for a bigger task. 

Responsibility means taking something onto your shoulders and promising not to let it fall. 

Responsibility means you are liable. People trust you. Others are at stake, but you may be at fault. 

I've felt so much more responsibility pile onto my shoulders in the last two days. 

So it comes to an understanding of responsibility. 

Is it a parent's responsibility to care for a child?

Is it a friend's responsibility to care for a friend?

Is it a survivor's responsibility to care for a potential victim? 

Someone tell me. 

Please. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have no idea what role I play in this scene of the drama. I'm not sure if I'm even supposed to be on stage. 

I really wish I had the script. 

Galatians 6:2: "Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."

Lord, when should I carry and when should I let others carry?

Needs

需求

“Your needs matter.”

I fulfilled my promise to you. I’ve thought about that statement. A lot. And I’ve written out everything I’ve thought. Sometimes it looks better in black and white.

The first key is your definition of need.

Is a need a deficiency of something necessary to survival?

Or is a need something necessary to make life smooth?

If a need is a deficiency of something necessary to survival, I have no needs because I am alive.

If a need is something necessary to make life smooth, then I would have needs.

The second key is how you determine whether something matters.

If I have no needs, they don’t matter.

If I have needs, they are not fulfilled. If they are not fulfilled, Agent X is not fulfilling them, where Agent X is anyone in a position to fulfill needs. 

So if I have needs, Agent X is not fulfilling them. If Agent X is not fulfilling these needs, it is because those needs don’t matter to Agent X. It cannot be because of Agent X’s lack of capability to fulfill needs because by definition, Agent X is in a position to fulfill needs. So if I have needs, they don’t matter to Agent X.

Therefore, if I have needs, they don’t matter.

But you can throw my proof aside if you want.

This truth doesn’t look better in black and white.

Do you see why I would rather say my needs don’t matter?

It is either that or saying that Agent X

Just doesn’t care.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You care. 

I know You do. 

And that's enough. 

Luke 4:6-7: “I tell you, my friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after that can do no more... Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."

Lord, what should I do when my wants/needs conflict with the needs of others?