Sleep

觉

Sleep means safety. 

Safety from being woken.

If you are awakened, you do not sleep. You nap fitfully or you rest your head, but you have not been allowed to sleep.

Eleven years ago, I was woken for the first time. 

It became a game. 

Every morning. 

Sometimes in the middle of the night. 

More recently, before I even had a chance to rest my weary body. 

They gave me my own room, but I wasn't secure there.

They gave me my own lock, but it was easily picked. 

They gave me my own floor, but the distance was not enough. 

I gave myself my own home, but I was too weak to stay there. 

Life gave me a chance to go away, but I had to come back. 

Then someone gave me three blocks of wood. 

Perfectly cut. 

A brace that I cannot even force my way through. 

Tonight, my door will stay shut. 

Tonight, I am safe. 

Tonight, in the home of my family, for the first time in eleven years,

I sleep.

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     Tonight, I am safe. 

     Safe.

     Psalm 4:8: "In peace I will lie down and sleep, for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."

     Lord, I don't deserve this. 

     But You really love me this much?

     You send this to me?

     I have seen You bring one child in need to another who chooses to help, but I am still amazed. 

     I am safe tonight. 

     To simply say thank you would never be enough.

Anxiety

悬念

Anticipation. 

The moments before something life-changing. 

Suspense.

The moments before facing fear. 

Anxiety. 

The moments of waiting.

And nothing happening. 

The shoe must drop eventually. 

But until it does, here I am in Wonderland, surrounded by insanity, unsure how much of it is mine and how much of it belongs to rabbits and hatters. 

And the Jabberwocky. How much of it is of the Jabberwocky?

All. For in the looking glass lies the picture of the beast. And when it mixes with our image of ourselves, fear becomes life-changing. Suspense meets anticipation.

Anxiety. 

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     I am waiting. I want the shoe to drop. I want to know what is going to happen if I cannot control it. Yet knowledge and control are stripped from me, and all that is left to me is fear. 

     Psalm 56:3: "When I am afraid, I will put my trust in Thee."

     I don't know. And I don't control. You do. 

     You love me.

     You will protect me. 

     I trust You. 

     As I wait for the shoe to drop, I trust You. 

Stronger

强

Strength is not just a physical quality.

It is a holistic idea. 

Strength means mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and socially perceiving pain and choosing it. 

Strength means looking at hell and walking straight into it. 

Strength means control not of the situation but of oneself.

Strength means loving someone or something so deeply that no imaginable torture could keep you back from your goal. 

Strength is dangerous. 

Yet it is a protection like none other. 

It will be your best friend and your worst enemy. 

It will turn you against yourself and protect you from yourself. 

But most importantly, it will protect you from others.

So no matter what they do, you will be okay. 

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

If you want it to. 

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     Tomorrow, I go back to my worst nightmare. I go back to pain, my personal hell, complete loss of control, love that hurts. Tomorrow, I choose danger. But tomorrow, I choose to be stronger.

     Deuteronomy 31:6: "Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

     I will be stronger. Allow me to walk with You on the way to Calvary. I choose to stay with You; I choose to experience this pain with You. I know You will help me. We will be stronger.